A new vision and some new goals!

Well...so much happened this weekend and yet not so much at the same time.  I had my first day off in three weeks and I loved it!  I got some skirts for India and some necessities, which was good.  It has taken a little pressure off of getting set to go.  But at the same time I didn't really know what to do with all of my time.  It was kind of weird. 

 

Went and saw "The End of the Spear".  It was pretty good.  It wasn't nearly as good as the documentary, "Beyond the Gates of Splendor".  But it's worth seeing if you haven't already.

 

So...some of my new goals?  Yeah, I'm going to go see all the wonders of the world.  Did you know that there are like 66 of them?  Some of them don't exist anymore, but the ones that do are on my list of places to go and see.  I've seen six already and I'll see two, maybe three more when I'm in India!  So I'm excited about that:)

 

My new vision is one that God gave me over the weekend.  I have always dreamed of when I get married and we have a place to always have an extra bedroom where people can stay long-term or short-term.  That would be a way of me being able to minister to people.  People I know and people I don't know.  But I think I want to minister to single moms or single women in general.  That's always been on my heart.  It's more in the discipleship arena, but my heart is aching for them to know Jesus as well. 

 

I love to one day move into a place of my own where I have an extra bedroom, but in a different apartment  complex where there are a lot of single moms and single women so that I can be hospitable and just love in them with everything I have.  I want to reach out and watch their kids for them and have them over for dinner and make that my  ministry.  I know it's from the Lord because (and I say this very ashamed but...)anyone who knows me knows that I like really nice things and I like the best.  But I'm not just willing but I want to go to these places where I know that the apartment will not be as nice because that's where the people are that I feel led to reach out to.  Please don't hear me saying this with pride or a "Look at me" attitude.  This is the Lord completely.  It has to because it's opposite of what I would normally say or do.  I'm thankful that God is shaping my heart to be more like His.

 

The glory of God is man fully alive!

--
Running Hard,

Kathryn

But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. ...Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.
Philippians 3:12-14

Something...

There's been a Voice speaking to me lately, telling me something's up. Something's going to change. I know the Voice. I recognize it. I feel as though something is about to change in my life, something big. God is preparing me for it. I can feel it. With everything that He's teaching me right now, I know it's in prep for this change. He's teaching me humility. He's teaching me to die to self. He's helping me realize that I have a lot to learn yet and that's okay. It's actually a relief to finally realize, hear, and admit to myself that I don't know it all and I don't have to, I'm only 23. He's shown me so much from looking at other people and how I feel about those situations and talking to Him about it. He's been teaching that I am not defined by what I do or my position. I am who I am because of Him and FOR Him. I can serve Him wherever I am and no matter who it's for.

All of this to say, I feel like there's going to be a major change in my life some time soon. (My soon may be a different time table than His) I think I know what it is, but I'm not sure. Needless to say, God's getting me ready to accept the change graciously and with a heart trusting Him. I know that whatever the change may be, I'm in His hands and He's holding me tight. Whatever the change is is for good. I know that. I will be ready at just the right time.

I just keep going...

So...I'm posting AGAIN. I have been posting so much over the past couple of weeks. It's kind of crazy, but I enjoy it. Thank you for your comments as well. I love hearing from you!

Today was another great day. I was in a meeting with my boss ALL afternoon planning the curriculum for the summer Institute. We're making major changes that are so exciting! I was thinking about what we were doing and God just overwhelmed me with what I'm doing. I asked Rob, "Don't you just feel overwhelmed sometimes with what you do? Not a bad overwhelmed, but a good one?" He didn't really understand what I was getting at. I let it go.

But later on in the meeting he said the exact same thing to me. I said, "That's what I was saying earlier." It's kind of like we both got it then. God spoke to both of us in the same way. We are both overwhelmed at what we are doing for the King and His Kingdom. I'm overwhelmed at where God is taking us individually and where He's taking this ministry. It's awesome to see! Really awesome! I'm honored to be a part of it and be up close to watch it.

God's answers

I'm amazed each day at something new in God. Thankfully! The more I look at Him and honestly expect and wait for His answers the more that I notice they're coming and they're here. Such simple things show His glory and His supremacy. Myself and the whole team was talked about how we were so tired and needed a break. Rob called me last night and said that the speaker for this morning had to cancel. There you have it. God gave us our break and a great morning to sleep in! The students were thrilled, but I was ecstatic! And...God knows how to send at what to say through that persona at just the right time. Don't you find that true? I'm thankful to God.

It's a great day here in CO! It snowed a little yesterday which was a huge deal for our students from Arizona. They couldn't believe it! They were so cute! We learned dramas yesterday for us to do while we're in India. I had to carry this girl over my shoulder and as I was trying to set her down on the floor I hit my head on the floor. Now I have a little knot there and a bruise. But it made for a good laugh which is always good!

Okay, anyone interested in going backpacking with me in April? Just like three days or something. Anyone interested? I'm itching for it. I'm itching for a lot of things, but I won't go into all of them. It is a good day isn't it?

In a few minutes I'm off to meet my accountability partners for a little lunch and chatting. The anticipation is growing for the excitement that I have! And...the book we're reading for eXodus is soooooo good. "Celebration of Discipline" I read it in college but unfortunately didn't really READ it if you know what I mean. It's an incredible book that has a lot of truth in it and I highly recommend it.

I'm going to go see "The End of the Spear" Friday night. I'm taking the students to go see it. Should be fun! And then...drum roll please...ladies' night Saturday night! These are always so much fun! I love the ladies in our small group and I love the opportunities to really sit down and talk with them and get to know them better. I'm excited!

Oh and that's right, Saturday day I have nothing on my schedule! That's the best part of the weekend. I'm sleeping until I wake up and then I'm going to hang with friends or read a book or bake something or...I don't know. My possibilities are endless. I just know that I will be doing nothing related to KBM or the students and that makes me happy. Call me if you want to do something!

I know the end was a little random, but I had a lot of thoughts. I can do it. It's my blog:)

Love you all!

A look into life...

I love you, Lord; you are my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;

my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.

He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold.

I will call on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,

for he saves me from my enemies.

...

But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;

yes, I prayed to my God for help.

He heard me from his sanctuary;

my cry reached his ears.

Psalm 18:1-3, 6

God brought me to this this morning in my quiet time. How amazing!

For those of you who have been following my blog, here's a little more about what God is doing in my life right now!

Can I just say that God has been completely kicking my behind in church the past two Sundays. Even before the pastor gets up to speak, God's talking to me. I'm just thankful that I'm listening.

Anyway, before the service even started yesterday God was speaking. Funny, because the whole message yesterday was about being able to hear God's voice when it speaks to you and recognizing it when it does. God brought the verse to mind, "To whom much is given, much is expected." And He asked. "What have you been given?" I honestly haven't made an assessment of that yet, but it really struck me as something I need to do. I need to look at everything I've been given and make sure I'm using it in some way.

One of the pastors stood up to greet everyone and he said something that made me think about going overseas to serve. And I thought, "if I could just go somewhere, then I could really give everything I had for You and I could love people without reservation. But God spoke again. He convicted. Why will I go "anywhere" and I just want to go "somewhere" to love people into the Kingdom, but for some reason I don't think I can do that here? More importantly, what is it in me that's not making me willing to do it here. I struggle so much with loving people here. I can't explain it.

I went out to dinner with Cerise last night. What a blessing she is! She listened and was so interested in what God is doing in my life and was thrilled for me. That was the biggest blessing to me. Someone wanted to know what God was teaching me and gave me the opportunity to share about the blessings and share my praises. Other times, when I just talk about how great God is I feel like I'm a burden because the people aren't really interested. Do you know what I mean?

I digress...She and I went to dinner and it wasn't anything planned, it just spur of the moment. We started talking about what God was doing in our life and what He was teaching us. We talked about how excited we were about being involved in the lives of these youth and thankful that God was choosing to use us in this manner.

I tried to explain, just like I will here what I'm feeling at this moment. With all that is going on and has gone on over the past couple of months, nothing has been more obvious than the tugging of my heart by my Savior. It's so hard to explain and there really aren't words to describe the feeling that I have.

But it's this deep unquenchable thirt and unsatisfiable hunger for Him. I have tried over and over to quench it and satisfy it, but I can't. It's like I'm standing on the edge of this cliff and all I have to do is jump and it would be there, but I can't jump. Not because I'm holding myself back or because I'm scared, but because there is a wall. I didn't put the wall up, someone else did. I'm being held back. I cna't explain it. I feel like I need to take a sabattical from everything in my life right now and go on some sort of pilgrimage. I know that sounds crazy, but I feel like there's nothing else to do. Nothing. I feel like I need to quit seeing people from church and other friends and need to quit eXodus to focus on Him. Now, please don't read this and think that I'm about to do all of these things. Not the case. But I'm praying about all of them. We'll see what the Lord would have me to do.

God continues to call me deeper. He's whispering to me. He's screaming at me. He speaks loudly and clearly. He is there. I can feel Him. I can hear Him.

This morning was amazing, because for the first time I was able to verbally express thanks to God for the lack of sleep, the trying times with team members and interns. I was able to finally say "thank you" because I saw God in the midst of it all. Each one of those things and others are the things that have brought me to my knees over the past 10 days. They are the things that have drawn me closer to Him. Isn't that what they're for anyway? To produce perserverance, character, hope, etc... To bring is closer to our Father and make us rely on Him. Amazing!

Thank you for your prayers! They are still being heard and they are very much appreciated! Keep praying!

One more thing I want to add in that I'm learning. And let me give a little disclaimer. I totally understand that my posts can be a little long and you may not read through them all, but they are mostly for my own personal need to digest and think through what I'm feeling and learning. And if you read about the great things that God does in and through me, then praise the Lord! May He get the glory for what He has done!

God has been steadfast in continually reminding me that He is my refuge and He does not disappoint. I have been hurt by and disappointed by some close friends of mine lately and they don't even know it. That's not the point. I wanted them to know it at first. But yesterday morning before church I took a walk outside and took that time to talk to Him. I was pouring out my heart about how hurt I was and how disappointed I was. He cointinued to tell me that I needed to forgive them whether they knew they hurt me or not. I said "No, they hurt me and they need to know it." He gently said that was not the way and I needed to forgive them and love them even if I didn't recieve it back. After a heated conversation about that, I consented:) After that, and only after, because it was then that I was finally really listening, He reminded me that He will never disappoint me. NEVER. I can trust Him completely. And He reminded me of all the great things He had done for people on earth and they all betrayed Him. They disappointed and hurt Him, yet He died out of complete love for them. The ultimate sacrifice. God is teaching me to love people. I'm really bad at it, but the Lord is gracious. I have asked for help and He is coming through, just like He promised He would. I can love people because I have the love of Christ in me first and foremost.

There's a little look into my heart and what's going on. Praise be to our God who is worthy of so much more!

Burdens lifted

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our budens.

Psalm 68:19

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

Psalm 55:22

Well...enough said, right? I was praying last night and this morning and both those verses kept coming to me. Coincidence? I think not. The Lord sent me those telling me to give the things that were worrying me to Him and He would handle them. And He has.

Today was a much better day. I opted to get some much needed sleep rather than get up this morning and work out. On days where I don't work out I generally feel horrible all day. But today I don't. I needed that sleep more than anything and I feel great about it. I had to have a difficult conversation with a student this afternoon, but the Lord carried it and spoke words of truth through all of us. He even bridged a gap in the relationship, which only He could do.

I know this is only day 5 of the Institute and I have 11.5 weeks left, but I have learned so much about myself and my relationship with the Lord. I have learned a lot about leadership and doing it well, in a Godly manner. I've learned to listen to the Holy Spirit and obey it when I hear it. I can only imagine what is going to pan out in my relationship with the Lord in the coming months. I'm excited!

Thank you for your prayers. They have definitely been heard by the One who hears. He is answering and in such a timely fashion:) Thank you!

I can't imagine what's next

I know that humility has been a constant title for my blogs. Are we sensing a theme and a definite lesson here? I think so:)

Sunday started with orientation that afternoon and going over policies and procedures and giving out books and notebooks and such. Pretty boring stuff actually. But Monday started the first day of classes. Please bare with me as I try to put into words what I am thinking and feeling and learing.

Key word: HUMILITY

Yes, there it is again, that word humility. Such a yucky word, but yet so soothing. Monday was not a great day. I forgot a few things and was late having lunch ready. I forgot to introduce and pray for out President and Founder before he spoke. It was chaos in my book. I'm just so used to being on top of things and being ahead of the game that I wasn't prepared for what did or did not happen. It made me mad at myself and sad that I had let people down. And this may sound harsh, but I know that God was humbling me. I have been praying that He would do just that. And we all know that our God is a God who answers prayers when they are in line with His will. And of course He wants me to be more like His Son-humble. Every time I felt like I messed up yesterday He was gently telling me that I didn't have it all together. I am not the one running this program. This is not MY Institute. This is HIS Institute. These are HIS students that HE has called here for HIM to teach. I am merely a vessel and some hands and feet.

I am overcome with emotion and thankfulness that God gently rebuked me yesterday, the day before that, today and many others in showing me that I'm not all I thougth I was. This program would continue if I were not here. I am just the one that God has chosen to be here for such a time as this. I'm honored.

As much as the day was crazy and I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off, the night made it all worth it and reminded me of so much. We had a big dinner thing for the students and the families of KBM. We gave each student a chance to stand and share about how they heard of KBM or TLI and why they came. Well...did the floodgates open! Quite a few them were sharing about what yesterday's classes meant to them. They were asking so many questions of God and felt like they weren't getting answers until yesterday when God answered. So many shared about how this was an answer to prayer for them. They talked about how the what I thought were simple little phone calls checking in on them are what kept them going to continue raising money to get here. They told about how excited they were to be able to learn in this environment and get to be stretched and pushed. One of the boys was sharing and there I am in the back of the room with tears running down my face. I was so overwhelmed at what they were saying. I felt like God was poking me in the arm saying, "Do you hear them? This is why you're here." And I was reminded of why I do what I do.

I had been thinking, "I can't believe I'm working my behind off for seven students". And then when I heard them speak and share I was glad to be working my behind off for these seven students! It was just what I needed!

Today I can say that my perspective has changed a little. I woke up extra early this morning to be able to spend a lot of time with God. It was good times. The biggest thing is that He reminded to cast my cares onto Him and He would carry them. He is in control of TLI. This is His thing. I'm doing my best to listen and obey with what He wants to do in my life and in this program.

Sunday's sermon was my sermon. Jim was talking to me and boy did God do some convicting. From that I'm praying that God would clothe me in love. I must be in the Word and be spending time with Him for that to happen.

I know these next three months are going to be stretching and hard. But I think I'm looking at them from a little different angle now. It's time for some growth and that's what I'm been praying for. Thank you for your prayers, God is working:) Here goes!

So far...

Well...as most of you know, the students are now here for the YATLI Winter Semester 2006. I can already tell that these next three months are going to be the most stretching for me as a leader. These last three days have already been extremely stretching. I really don't know how to sum it all up actually. But yesterday I my day started at 6:00am and didn't end until 12:30 am that night. And for those of you who know me, I usually go to bed about 9:00 pm. It was a full day of many trips to the airport, feeding the students and trying to keep reigns on them.

I don't know that I'm ready for this responsibility. This is a lot. A whole lot! I'm stressed just thinking about the next couple of months. I'm already tired and it's only been a few days!

And I would love to be able to say that things are okay though and I'm going to make it through and God is good. But you know what? I'm struggling here. Really struggling. I know that God is good and I know that this won't kill me. But for the life of me I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't. I'm overwhelmed and in way over my head.

I know that God has been preparing me for this moment and I know I wouldn't be here if He didn't know that I could do it and do it well. But the flesh is weak.

I tell you all of this because I know that each of you reading this are the prayer warriors that I need in this season. So please, I ask for your prayers on a regular basis.

Pray for rest for me, patience, grace for others, understanding, my coaching relationship with the other coach and us as a team. Pray that I don't have a nervous breakdown in the midst of this:)

Thank you all so much! I know that you're praying and that means so much to me! It gives me assurance and I appreciate it. Thank you!