Closure
A friend told me once that before I leave for overseas I need to make I get good closure from certain people and places that mean something special to me. Great advice! But what does that mean and how do I get it?
This week brought some answers! I, by no means, know how to get that good closure or even know exactly what it means...yet. But I have realized some people and places that I don't have closure in.
It's all you people out there in Colorado and that beautiful, wonderful state. Yeah, it's you.
When I decided in August that I would be leaving CO in October I shut down. Instead of spending as much time with everyone as I could and soaking up as much as I could, I withdrew. I gradually starting "weaning" myself from everyone and everything so that when I left there it would hurt me or matter to me. And when I left, that's exactly what happened. I had trained myself to not care or feel and that made it easier for me to leave. Now...was that the best thing for me to do? By no means, but it was the easiest.
I have only recently realized that this is a very bad habit of mine. It's my defense mechanism so that I don't get hurt by people or by myself.
I have been in so much torment from leaving there, having so much regret over how I left things and the things I didn't say. I did not grieve Colorado or the people there I love so much. I didn't do it while I was there. I have started doing it now.
This was about closure, yes. I had no closure from Colorado or the people. I do, however, need that. I need to say what I'm feeling. I need to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. That's huge for me. All of you know that. I show everyone the strong, independent, determined Kathryn. I never show anyone the sensitive, emotionally messy, hurting, imperfect Kathryn. I'm sorry. This hasn't allowed to truly know me.
I do want people to truly know who I am, I do. I don't hide it on purpose. It's that one, I didn't know I was doing it and two, I didn't even know exactly who I was. So I can show others?
So...going back to CO in May. Hoping and praying for great conversations with people and some great closure. Thanks April!
This week brought some answers! I, by no means, know how to get that good closure or even know exactly what it means...yet. But I have realized some people and places that I don't have closure in.
It's all you people out there in Colorado and that beautiful, wonderful state. Yeah, it's you.
When I decided in August that I would be leaving CO in October I shut down. Instead of spending as much time with everyone as I could and soaking up as much as I could, I withdrew. I gradually starting "weaning" myself from everyone and everything so that when I left there it would hurt me or matter to me. And when I left, that's exactly what happened. I had trained myself to not care or feel and that made it easier for me to leave. Now...was that the best thing for me to do? By no means, but it was the easiest.
I have only recently realized that this is a very bad habit of mine. It's my defense mechanism so that I don't get hurt by people or by myself.
I have been in so much torment from leaving there, having so much regret over how I left things and the things I didn't say. I did not grieve Colorado or the people there I love so much. I didn't do it while I was there. I have started doing it now.
This was about closure, yes. I had no closure from Colorado or the people. I do, however, need that. I need to say what I'm feeling. I need to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. That's huge for me. All of you know that. I show everyone the strong, independent, determined Kathryn. I never show anyone the sensitive, emotionally messy, hurting, imperfect Kathryn. I'm sorry. This hasn't allowed to truly know me.
I do want people to truly know who I am, I do. I don't hide it on purpose. It's that one, I didn't know I was doing it and two, I didn't even know exactly who I was. So I can show others?
So...going back to CO in May. Hoping and praying for great conversations with people and some great closure. Thanks April!
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