Tuesday, April 24, 2007

It finally made sense!

You know how you read scripture for many years, repetatively almost? Then, one day that scripture has a whole new meaning or it finally makes sense after years of just being words on paper? God gives you new insight into it either because He's giving you discernment or because it finally applies.

Well...that's what happened with this song I love written by Sara Groves. The song, "Painting Pictures of Egypt" was the reason I bought the CD and not because of the words to the song, but because of the melody. I loved it. So for four years I've been listening to this song trying desperately to figure out what she was talking about. Then...Thursday afternoon I was driving home from an appointment and was listening to the song. All of it made sense to me. I believe God gave me discernment to finally understand the words and was preparing that song for me for years. It applies to me now. God gave me that song long before I knew I needed it.

It goes like this...

I don't want to leave here, I don't want to stay, it feels like pinching to me either way. The places I long for the most are the places where I've been. They are calling after me like a long lost friend. It's not about losing faith, it's not about trust, it's all about comfortable when you move so much. The place I was wasn't perfect but I had found a way to live. it wasn't milk or honey but than neither is this. I've been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what it lacked. The future feels so hard and I want to go back. But the places that used to fit me canoot hold the things I've learned, and those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned. The past is so tangible, I know it by heart, familiar things are never easy to discard. I was longing for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go, I am caught between the promise and the things I know. If it comes too quick, I may not recognize it. Is that the reason behind all this time and sand. If it comes too quick, I may not appreciate it. Is it that the reason behind all this time and sand. ~Inspired by Exodus 16:3

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Closure

A friend told me once that before I leave for overseas I need to make I get good closure from certain people and places that mean something special to me. Great advice! But what does that mean and how do I get it?

This week brought some answers! I, by no means, know how to get that good closure or even know exactly what it means...yet. But I have realized some people and places that I don't have closure in.

It's all you people out there in Colorado and that beautiful, wonderful state. Yeah, it's you.

When I decided in August that I would be leaving CO in October I shut down. Instead of spending as much time with everyone as I could and soaking up as much as I could, I withdrew. I gradually starting "weaning" myself from everyone and everything so that when I left there it would hurt me or matter to me. And when I left, that's exactly what happened. I had trained myself to not care or feel and that made it easier for me to leave. Now...was that the best thing for me to do? By no means, but it was the easiest.

I have only recently realized that this is a very bad habit of mine. It's my defense mechanism so that I don't get hurt by people or by myself.

I have been in so much torment from leaving there, having so much regret over how I left things and the things I didn't say. I did not grieve Colorado or the people there I love so much. I didn't do it while I was there. I have started doing it now.

This was about closure, yes. I had no closure from Colorado or the people. I do, however, need that. I need to say what I'm feeling. I need to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. That's huge for me. All of you know that. I show everyone the strong, independent, determined Kathryn. I never show anyone the sensitive, emotionally messy, hurting, imperfect Kathryn. I'm sorry. This hasn't allowed to truly know me.

I do want people to truly know who I am, I do. I don't hide it on purpose. It's that one, I didn't know I was doing it and two, I didn't even know exactly who I was. So I can show others?

So...going back to CO in May. Hoping and praying for great conversations with people and some great closure. Thanks April!