Monday, April 25, 2005

Inward

Brace yourself, this may be a long one. My inward part looks very different than my outward part. There have been quite a few things running through my mind lately, all of which are huge to me. First off, there's the moving thing. I've been struggling. I know this is where God wants me, but it's really hard. I miss my parents and my family and friends that I left. I miss the comfort of it all and the "being home" feeling. I've felt lonely here. But as Ginny Owens put it, "He never promised it'd be easy, He just said you'd never go alone." Well put!

With all that emotional stuff I have tried to "appear" strong. That's part of what I meant by my inward self is different than my outward self. I think I appear great, but don't feel it. I'm scared and I know I've said this before, but I am. All of this all of sudden you are completely on your own paying bills and being responsible is too much all at one time. It's really overwhelming.

And spiritually I've felt dead just over the past week and a half. I can't handle that. I hate every moment of it. And I've been thinking about a lot of stuff dealing with that. First off, so many people compare your relationship with Jesus to a friendship and just say you have to work at it. But then they say He hides His face from you. When you compare the two it doesn't make sense. Secondly, yesterday at church we were singing a song that said Jesus was our king and we worship our king. But I got to thinking, we don't really know what that it. Or maybe everyone else does, but I don't. I don't really know a king (earthly) and there aren't any huge kings that are major rulers right now. I don't really know what worshipping a king entails. I feel as though this is something that must be researched in order to have a better understanding of having Jesus as my King means.

This morning in "Morning and Evening" by Charles Spurgeon I read:

I hear the voice of my Beloved! He speaks to me. Fair weather is smiling upon the face of the earth, and He would not have me spiritually asleep while nature is all around me awaking from her winter's rest. He bids me, "Rise up," and well He may, for I have long enough been lying among the campfires of worldliness. He is risen, and I am risen in Him. Why then should I cleave to the dust? From lower loves, desires, pursuits, and aspirations, I would rise toward Him. He calls me by the sweet title of "My love," and counts me fair; this is a good argument for my rising. If He has exalted me and thinks I am beautiful, how can I linger in the tents of Kedar and find congenial associates among the sons of men? He bids me, "Come away," Further and further from everything selfish, groveling, worldly, sinful, He calls me; yes, from the outwardly religious world that does not know Him and has no sympathy with the mystery of the higher life, He calls me. "Come away" has no harsh sound in it to my ear, for what is there to hold me in this wilderness of vanity and sin? O my Lord, if only I could come away, but I am taken among the thorns and cannot escape from them as I want to. I would, if it were possible, have neither eyes, nor ears, nor heart for sin. I You call me to Yourself by saying, "Come away," and this is a melodious call indeed. To come to You is to come home from exile, to come to land out of the raging storm, to come to rest after long labor, to come to the goal of my desires and the summit of my wishes. But Lord, how can a stone rise, or how can a lump of clay come away from eh horrible pit? Oh, raise me; draw me. Your grace can do it. Send forth Your Holy Spirit to kindle sacred fames of love in my heart, and I will continue to rise until I leave life and time behind me, and indeed "come away."

Saturday, April 16, 2005

I'm here!

I'm finally in Colorado! Dad and I weathered through the snow and hail and rain, kind of like the US post office! We got here late Monday night and we have been hiking and running errands (i.e. opening a bank account, moving into my new office, moving into my temporary housing arrangement, etc.). I dropped dad off at DIA on Friday morning and this has officially been my first day on my own. So far today I have seen Silas play soccer and built a shelf for my new office and tried my best to set it up. It's coming together finally, slowly but surely. I have a door in my office and two windows! All of this as opposed to a cubicle. I thought I brought in a lot of stuff for my office but after seeing it all set up I have hardly anything. I definitely don't have anything on the walls yet. I need to work on that.

I start work on Monday and really can't wait. I'm excited to get my hands dirty and get to work. But I can say I already miss the east coast and everyone who's there. I feel so far away. But I'm doing my best to find a church that I love and get plugged in ASAP. Lata.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Can anyone say excited?!?!?!

So I leave in less than two days and I cannot contain myself at all. Dad and I depart Sunday morning at daybreak. We are packing my car to the hilt and carrying luggage on top and driving west. We should arrive late Monday night I do believe. I have already had to say some goodbyes here and am so sad to go. I said goodbye to the little girls I teach on Wednesday nights and they got me crying. "Miss Kathryn, why are you crying?" What do you tell those precious children? I'm going to miss them so much. And I said goodbye to my mom's class, all of whom I will also miss terribly. And then comes the fam this weekend which I'm dreading because I absolutely hate goodbyes and saying goodbye to my pastor and the wonderful people of the church and Brittany who I hang out with all the time and her dear family. Sadness. But excitement overwhelms me all at the same time with what is waiting for me in the future.

Please pray for safe travel for me and my dad and opportunities for us to share along the way. Love you all!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Little change of plans.

So...I was leaving on Friday to move to move to Colorado, but now I'm leaving on Sunday. Dad has to work up until Sat. So we are leaving on Sunday instead. I was a little bummed at first, but totally understandable. And it works out better anyway. It gives me all day Saturday to pack up the truck and really make sure I have everything I need rather than rushing to get it all done Thursday night. So the dates for the needed prayer for travel have changed to April 10, 11, and 12. Please keep us in your prayers.

I'm still looking for an apartment and I think I've found about three that I like and have appointments to look at when I arrive there. I'm getting nervous about going and moving away for good. It's kind of scary. But good at the same time. It builds character. That's what I say about everything. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. So there you have it. Building character, getting stronger. I should be some sort of really strong woman by the end of my life:)