Inward

Brace yourself, this may be a long one. My inward part looks very different than my outward part. There have been quite a few things running through my mind lately, all of which are huge to me. First off, there's the moving thing. I've been struggling. I know this is where God wants me, but it's really hard. I miss my parents and my family and friends that I left. I miss the comfort of it all and the "being home" feeling. I've felt lonely here. But as Ginny Owens put it, "He never promised it'd be easy, He just said you'd never go alone." Well put!

With all that emotional stuff I have tried to "appear" strong. That's part of what I meant by my inward self is different than my outward self. I think I appear great, but don't feel it. I'm scared and I know I've said this before, but I am. All of this all of sudden you are completely on your own paying bills and being responsible is too much all at one time. It's really overwhelming.

And spiritually I've felt dead just over the past week and a half. I can't handle that. I hate every moment of it. And I've been thinking about a lot of stuff dealing with that. First off, so many people compare your relationship with Jesus to a friendship and just say you have to work at it. But then they say He hides His face from you. When you compare the two it doesn't make sense. Secondly, yesterday at church we were singing a song that said Jesus was our king and we worship our king. But I got to thinking, we don't really know what that it. Or maybe everyone else does, but I don't. I don't really know a king (earthly) and there aren't any huge kings that are major rulers right now. I don't really know what worshipping a king entails. I feel as though this is something that must be researched in order to have a better understanding of having Jesus as my King means.

This morning in "Morning and Evening" by Charles Spurgeon I read:

I hear the voice of my Beloved! He speaks to me. Fair weather is smiling upon the face of the earth, and He would not have me spiritually asleep while nature is all around me awaking from her winter's rest. He bids me, "Rise up," and well He may, for I have long enough been lying among the campfires of worldliness. He is risen, and I am risen in Him. Why then should I cleave to the dust? From lower loves, desires, pursuits, and aspirations, I would rise toward Him. He calls me by the sweet title of "My love," and counts me fair; this is a good argument for my rising. If He has exalted me and thinks I am beautiful, how can I linger in the tents of Kedar and find congenial associates among the sons of men? He bids me, "Come away," Further and further from everything selfish, groveling, worldly, sinful, He calls me; yes, from the outwardly religious world that does not know Him and has no sympathy with the mystery of the higher life, He calls me. "Come away" has no harsh sound in it to my ear, for what is there to hold me in this wilderness of vanity and sin? O my Lord, if only I could come away, but I am taken among the thorns and cannot escape from them as I want to. I would, if it were possible, have neither eyes, nor ears, nor heart for sin. I You call me to Yourself by saying, "Come away," and this is a melodious call indeed. To come to You is to come home from exile, to come to land out of the raging storm, to come to rest after long labor, to come to the goal of my desires and the summit of my wishes. But Lord, how can a stone rise, or how can a lump of clay come away from eh horrible pit? Oh, raise me; draw me. Your grace can do it. Send forth Your Holy Spirit to kindle sacred fames of love in my heart, and I will continue to rise until I leave life and time behind me, and indeed "come away."