Okay, I have finally processed through what it was that God was trying to tell me and what exactly I heard Him tell me!
Humility. This would be enough to describe everything, but I'll give the details anyway. God has been teaching me humility like NEVER before! It has been the most painful few days of my life. I have felt ashamed, embarassed, saddened, and useless.
God taught me two major things: that I am arrogant, prideful, and full of myself and that I have a heart of anger not love.
At this conference I went to they asked some questions as examples of things and one of them was "Why am I angry?". I was writing it down and I asked myself that question and realized at the same moment that I am angry. I am angry at everyone and everything about SOMETHING. There is no rhyme or reason to any of it except that it was always THEIR fault and never mine. I was/am angry, but why? I have no idea why. I have not a clue in the world why I am angry all the time and everyone about everything. This brought to light a major problem, as you can imagine.
I chose to look deeper and discovered that because of my anger, I am choosing not to love. And because I am not loving I am hindering so much in this spiritual life of mine and others. Sad:(
I can't go into everything, but I am set out to figure this out.
The other major thing was my pride. I have been walking aroung thinking that I know all of the answers and that I am some spiritual giant. I AM NOT! I judged people on how "unspiritual" they were and smiled at myself for how "spiritual" I was. Disgusting. I am ashamed and embarassed.
Since I can't apologize individually to each of you: I'm sorry for judging you and for thinking myself better than you.
But...God in His faithfulness has rescued me. I think I should feel horrible about myself. I don't. I mean, I did, but not anymore. God has held me and showered the much needed love and encouragement that I needed to be able to see the hope that He has given me. He opened my eyes and ears to hear Him speaking love to me and telling me that this race is not over. He has not given up on me. He sees what I WILL be and knows that I can be that.
Right now I do not know what the next step is towards "fixing" all of this, but I do not that I am already being healed and I trust that God will show me the path to righteousness, which is gift.