A journey...
Okay, I have finally processed through what it was that God was trying to tell me and what exactly I heard Him tell me!
Humility. This would be enough to describe everything, but I'll give the details anyway. God has been teaching me humility like NEVER before! It has been the most painful few days of my life. I have felt ashamed, embarassed, saddened, and useless.
God taught me two major things: that I am arrogant, prideful, and full of myself and that I have a heart of anger not love.
At this conference I went to they asked some questions as examples of things and one of them was "Why am I angry?". I was writing it down and I asked myself that question and realized at the same moment that I am angry. I am angry at everyone and everything about SOMETHING. There is no rhyme or reason to any of it except that it was always THEIR fault and never mine. I was/am angry, but why? I have no idea why. I have not a clue in the world why I am angry all the time and everyone about everything. This brought to light a major problem, as you can imagine.
I chose to look deeper and discovered that because of my anger, I am choosing not to love. And because I am not loving I am hindering so much in this spiritual life of mine and others. Sad:(
I can't go into everything, but I am set out to figure this out.
The other major thing was my pride. I have been walking aroung thinking that I know all of the answers and that I am some spiritual giant. I AM NOT! I judged people on how "unspiritual" they were and smiled at myself for how "spiritual" I was. Disgusting. I am ashamed and embarassed.
Since I can't apologize individually to each of you: I'm sorry for judging you and for thinking myself better than you.
But...God in His faithfulness has rescued me. I think I should feel horrible about myself. I don't. I mean, I did, but not anymore. God has held me and showered the much needed love and encouragement that I needed to be able to see the hope that He has given me. He opened my eyes and ears to hear Him speaking love to me and telling me that this race is not over. He has not given up on me. He sees what I WILL be and knows that I can be that.
Right now I do not know what the next step is towards "fixing" all of this, but I do not that I am already being healed and I trust that God will show me the path to righteousness, which is gift.
Humility. This would be enough to describe everything, but I'll give the details anyway. God has been teaching me humility like NEVER before! It has been the most painful few days of my life. I have felt ashamed, embarassed, saddened, and useless.
God taught me two major things: that I am arrogant, prideful, and full of myself and that I have a heart of anger not love.
At this conference I went to they asked some questions as examples of things and one of them was "Why am I angry?". I was writing it down and I asked myself that question and realized at the same moment that I am angry. I am angry at everyone and everything about SOMETHING. There is no rhyme or reason to any of it except that it was always THEIR fault and never mine. I was/am angry, but why? I have no idea why. I have not a clue in the world why I am angry all the time and everyone about everything. This brought to light a major problem, as you can imagine.
I chose to look deeper and discovered that because of my anger, I am choosing not to love. And because I am not loving I am hindering so much in this spiritual life of mine and others. Sad:(
I can't go into everything, but I am set out to figure this out.
The other major thing was my pride. I have been walking aroung thinking that I know all of the answers and that I am some spiritual giant. I AM NOT! I judged people on how "unspiritual" they were and smiled at myself for how "spiritual" I was. Disgusting. I am ashamed and embarassed.
Since I can't apologize individually to each of you: I'm sorry for judging you and for thinking myself better than you.
But...God in His faithfulness has rescued me. I think I should feel horrible about myself. I don't. I mean, I did, but not anymore. God has held me and showered the much needed love and encouragement that I needed to be able to see the hope that He has given me. He opened my eyes and ears to hear Him speaking love to me and telling me that this race is not over. He has not given up on me. He sees what I WILL be and knows that I can be that.
Right now I do not know what the next step is towards "fixing" all of this, but I do not that I am already being healed and I trust that God will show me the path to righteousness, which is gift.
4 Comments:
So I just wrote you an email - then read this and just want to say that I got a BIG ol GRIN when you said you dont feel bad anymore! :) That's a beautiful thing... and it's beautiful to hear a believer claim that freedom! Way to press on in this awesome journey and to be so vulnerable! Again (from email) thank you Kat for the honesty! Love you!
pride and humility are so tough to struggle through...it's the journey I've been on since I was in Denver in April. I'll be praying that God gives you a fresh understanding of grace and the cross...and I'll write soon with some of the things I've learned from other people and from a book I just read. I certainly don't have it all figured out either!!
thanks, too, for your vulnerability. I can see God's grace at work in you already--for it was only by His grace that you could be humble enough to write this confession of a post. love you girl!
Hey girl- thanks for the honest look in your life- God's been working on me in the same way. It's reassuring to know that others struggle with the same things. It's a daily struggle for me not to take my anger/frustration out on those I love most.
Blessings and praying for you as you journey closer to Christ!
Love ya,
Beth
Enjoyed a lot! » »
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