Obedience...Focus...Trust

I've learned a lot in the past couple of weeks, all of which mostly happened yesterday. Allow me to explain...

I had a horrible morning yesterday and really felt that I needed to spend a considerate amount of time with God and so I took a half a personal day and left work at noon. I headed to Barnes & Noble with my journal, headphones, and Bible. I've been reading through Acts, trying to soak up as much as possible about the early church. As I journaled I just poured out my heart to God telling him what I was going through [like He didn't already know].

Well...A lot came out of it. Okay, I'm going to be a little vulnerable here.

I was interested in this guy, who was not exactly great for me. It's a syndrome that I have really. I get attracted to guys that are really fun and crazy and show me a lot of attention and then I lie to myself about how great they are. Not that they aren't great guys, cause they are, but they aren't anywhere close to what I really want or even need. I was trying to explain this to a friend last night and she looked at me like I was insane and very judgmental. I didn't mean it that way at all. I'm just saying that I know what I want and what I want is a man completely devoted to Christ and the purpose that he was put here for. I want someone more devoted than I am. Someone who will push me and stretch me. At this point in my life I don't feel pushed or stretched from any direction and it gets frustrating. Needlesstosay, God showed me the error of my ways and while showing me that in this area He showed me that I not only settled here, but in other areas.

God had asked me to do something and sort of did it. I got close, but didn't actually do it and I thought that would be good enough. It wasn't. It never is. I settled for not having His best for me. But thankfully, I have changed that and moved on ahead in obedience.

Also...I am exhausted of having to always feel like I need to be strong and not back down and not give in. It was tiring and I was getting flack for it. Christians, the local church, were the ones that were constantly pushing me down in this and making it so hard. I just gave up and gave in and said, "Alright, I'll do it your way." That didn't work out and I'm thankful. I can't do mediocre. I can't back down. It's not the way I want to live my life and I'm not happy with it. I missed God in those days that I was doing that. I wasn't prepared to hear Him and I wasn't expecting too. I wonder if that's what other people go through all the time. I don't know. But I know I never want to be there again. Once you've tasted even a piece of freedom you never want to go back.

Sunday our pastor spoke on the local church and the best two sentences of the entire message were in reference to the local church and our role in it. He said, "It does not deserve your laziness. It does not deserve your apathy." Amen! I could not have agreed more. I just pray it got through to someone, anyone.

All of this to say, in my extended time with God yesterday He spoke to me and told me not to worry about tomorrow and that I needed to trust Him. I had not "lost" my focus, I had "put" it on other things.

I love the Lord more than anything and I don't want anything to ever be more important than He is. If so, I am not worthy to be His disciple. [Knife through the heart.] I want to reach the world for Christ and be dramatically transformed through the process. If you're not living for the purpose that He's put you here for, you're wasting your life-wasting it!