Today

So much is going on in my life that many people have no idea about. And I really don't want to tell people. I don't want people to know that I am weak. They already know that, but I don't want to be the one to tell them. You know? It's totally different.

Struggles is mostly what I'm talking about. I want to be the strong one and so many times I feel like that's my role. I'm to be the one with all the faith in God, to always trust and know that EVERYTHING will work out for the good of those who love God. To believe and never doubt. To always be chipper. To have everything in it's place. To know my path in life and know what's coming next and what I am to be doing. To know the right answer. To never cry and to never be hurt by someone. To just let things role off my back.

Well...I can't. There, I said it. I can't. And I'm not. I am just like everyone else.

Now, don't worry, I'm not depressed or anything and there's nothing permanently damaging happening to me, although I know that everything is life-changing in some way or another.

I do know God's promises and I believe them to be completely true. Really. I just struggle with always knowing it in my heart like I do in my head. I'm sure everyone can relate.

Today I feel...well...lost. Lost in this big world that completely encompasses me and I feel so small and covered by it. Today I am struggling with purpose and meaning in my life. I am weak in my faith today, questioning God's provision and timing. Today I am hurt by something I can do nothing about, having to trust God to know what's best, but struggling with that trust. Today I am missing so many people that I can't even begin to go into it. Today I am confused and unsure of decisions I have made. Today I am feeling like my efforts are in vain. I am not strong today. Today I am weak.

Although today has been so many things, God still whispers, "Believe my now. I am with you. I am for you. Believe me now." It rings and rings. And I know it's true. I know He's there.

Just figuring this is another step to drawing me closer to Himself that I ask for each morning.

Does anyone else struggle with not being able to communicate how you feel about God? I am horrible with words and everything I feel and want to express about God comes forth and wants to come out of my huge mouth and come to the edge and stop because I just don't have the words. I want so badly to just show the world how much I am in love with this amazing God that is grace, is love, is mercy, is faithful, is everything good. My mind is a whirlwind just trying to think of it all. Trying to understand and fully comprehend what I feel is impossible. WOW!