Something of it all

Yesterday forced me to do a lot of thinking and pondering on a few things, mainly my relationship with God. The service at church was convicting for me on a few levels. Our worship leader talked about how if we don't look at God as our all and completely enough for us and we value anything more than we value God than we are serving a different God. It kind of annoyed me at first, but he's right. It's idolatry. What or whomever I love more, care about more, think about more, live for more, that is what or who I love more. That or who is the God I truly serve. For me a lot of times it's exercise. I think a lot of people would say that it's sleep. I don't have trouble with getting up early in the morning, I struggle with spending too much time worrying about getting enough cardio in before I worry about spending time with God. And you would have thought that maybe my lack of time with God has something to do with my lack of self-control, which is why I eat more than I should leading to the reason I have to do more cardio than any sane person should ever do! It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself.

All of that was before the sermon even started. Then came good ol' Jim. He spoke about sheeps and goats (way more to it than I'm telling you). But my heart was focused on something that he said briefly about martyrs in this world. He was talking about them in a different mindset but said something little about how they do what they do because they are truly burdened for the hearts of men. They hate what God hates and they love what He loves. I tell you this is something I struggle with a lot! I love people so much but I get so frustrated with them. All different walks of life and I get so annoyed. I know that THIS is not from God. This is not a heart that is like the Lord's. This is not a heart that is burdened for the hearts of other men. This is not a heart that loves what He loves and hates what He hates. But I want it to be.

My God is a god of love. My God IS love. To know God is to know love. God did so much in my heart yesterday and spoke to me about my own life and my relationshiip with Him.

I have been so focused on spending time with people here before I leave that I have forgotten the most important relationship I have. I have spent a ton of time with people lately but it has been wasted. I have not gone to the source first and foremost, therefore not able to love people the way I should and not being able to give out of the overflow of my heart. I've been trying to reach into my reserve. I have not gone into this time with people with purpose. I've just been existing with them and not giving it my best or my all. I have wasted it. I'm sorry.

Trying to refocus here and get back on track. All is wasted without having been developing that FIRST relationship.

I'm narrowing what people group I'm working with. It's exciting!